The End Of The Affair

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Brangelina. Tomkat. Dickeas.

The latest celebrity romance of catcher Mike Nickeas and pitcher R.A. Dickey has officially ended. They won’t be throwing or catching together anymore, although their publicists confirm the two will remain “good friends.” Nickeas reportedly called for the split, and although Dickey shook him off, the two have gone their separate ways. Insiders attribute the breakup to the recent call-up of a now-healthy Ronny Paulino.

Dickey and Nickeas’ relationship dates back to 2005 when Nickeas was a Ranger minor leaguer catching Dickey’s knuckling cheddar in Spring Training. Mike is now headed back to Buffalo, and Dickey will do his best to hide hid his broken heart.

“We had something special… magical… [and I] will never forget my time with Mark Nickeas.”

Love blows.

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DINKY!

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"You guys wanna play sports?!?"

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Gee Spot

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On a team desperate for positives, you’d think Dillon Gee would get some more ink. But somehow Gee flies under the radar despite pitching to a 2.18 ERA and 1.21 WHIP in 5 starts last September. When called up for a spot start on April 17, he pitched five and two-thirds innings, giving up one run.

He won again today, reminding us of how a major league pitcher handles himself on the big stage.

Are you paying attention, Mr. Pelfrey?

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Return Of The Mountie

Who’s that in left field? It kind of looks like…wait, I think it just might be- yes! It’s Jason Bay!

After missing close to 70 (seventy!!) games in 2010 with a concussion, Bay seemed ready to return to the diamond in 2011. The week of opening day, Jason injured his rib cage and was placed on the DL. On April 12, the Mets announced that Bay’s return would be pushed back to April 26 – but did not report a setback in rehab or a new injury.

At this point, the natives were understandably getting a little restless. Fans were beginning to wonder if they would see the man (who the Mets signed for 4-years/$65 million) take the field again. Jason’s long vacation was just another punch to the suckhole for Met fans.

Not helping his case with the fans was the fact that the contract he signed 18 months ago was likely the last “big” contract the Met front office will tender for at least another two to three more years if not longer, thanks to our current financial woes. Bay is ours for better or worse.

Thanks, Bernie...

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Pridie Of The Mets

With Angel Pagan injuring his oblique and landing on the 15 day DL, the Mets needed an outfielder. Enter 27-year-old Jason Pridie from AAA-Buffalo. Pridie is most famous for being included in a huge trade in 2007 when the Rays sent him along with Brendan Harris and trade-headliner Delmon Young to the Twins in exchange for Matt Garza, Jason Bartlett and Eduardo Morlan.

Pridie has a total of 6 at-bats in the majors, playing in 11 games from 2008-2009 with the Twinkies. Since he was hitting .186 (11 for 59) with Buffalo at the time of his call-up, the Mets are selling him hard as an above average defensive centerfielder.

“This guy is really a good defensive player,” manager Terry Collins said of Pridie. “Really, really good.”

According to Webster’s Dictionary, “good” is better than “bad.”

Let’s play some baseball!

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Ejection Night

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We all knew it was coming.

Terry Collins finally exploded, finally erupted like the rage-filled volcano that we all know he is, and his ejection in the top of the first finally took the pressure off the Mets' bats and let them trounce the Astros in a 9-1 rout.

Think about it. It's like having a fury-powered taskmaster boss run your office and then one day he calls in sick. Instead of business coming to a standstill productivity actually increases as the employees feel empowered to manage themselves to success.

- Dinky Wright broke his 0-for-20 slump- the worst of his career- with a home run and a double. 

- Damaged Canadian Jason Bay made his first return to baseball since his Dodger Stadium concussion in July of 2o1o, and he doubled and scored. Hooray, eh?

- Catcher Mike Nickeas hit his first career home run tonight. As of this reading he has not yet stopped smiling.

So what did we learn today? I guess we learned that cursing out authority figures can sometimes pay off... and at least for tonight, the kids are alright.

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Ike No Like

Our beloved first baseman Ike Davis is getting a nasty reputation throughout the league for arguing balls and strikes and showing up umpires. It started in September of 2o1o, when Ike barked back at Lance Barksdale and grumbled all the way back to the dugout. In April '11 Ike struck out on a pitch that was low and inside, and repeatedly pointed with his bat until home plate umpire Hunter Wendelstedt threatened to eject him.

Most recently Ike disagreed with a high strike call from umpire Phil Cuzzi, so he lowered his pants and took a shit on home plate as a sign of protest.

Don't be such a grouch, Ike- have a Pop Tart! 

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Nails Behind Bars



Lenny on his wedding day


Former Mets outfielder Lenny "Nails" Dykstra was arrested today on charges of embezzlement and grand theft auto. Dykstra, a member of the 1986 Championship Team, is a former steroid user and current asshole. He has spent the last decade posing as a financial expert and magazine publisher in order to steal money from investors and swindle the public.

His suite in Hell will be ready Friday.

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Daniel Murphy: Fuckup

Daniel Murphy is a fuckup.

Oh, I don't say that to be mean, or hurtful, I say it is simply because it's a fact. Water is wet, grass is green, and Daniel Murphy is a fuckup. 

We tried him in left field. He fucked up.

We tried him at first base. Fucked up there too.

We tried platooning him at second base. Fucker fucked up.

Today he made one of the greatest (worst) Mets errors of all time: down 3-0 in the sixth in Game Two of the Atlanta double-header, Murphy attempted to steal third- on his own- and was thrown out by a country mile. Manager Terry Collins- usually frustrated and furious- became even more frustrated and furious. It is rumored that after the game Terry beat Murphy purple with a sack of frozen oranges. You can't blame Collins...

Daniel Murphy's a fuckup.

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Fran The Man

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Guess who just got thrown out of Citi Field trying to use an expired Shea Stadium Press Pass?

"Score it 6 to 3!!!"

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Mr. Met Kills 6, Injures 7

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AP- New York Mets mascot Mr. Met went berserk at Citi Field today and began a bloody rampage that killed six fans and critically wounded seven others. He had to be shot to death by stadium security, leaving unanswered questions about what drove him to this explosion of violence.

"This is a real tragedy, for all mascots," spoke Mr. Mets' longtime associate Philly Phanatic. "I know he was going through a brutal divorce but I had no idea he was this despondent." The Phanatic then pantomimed jumping-jacks for the next forty-five minutes.

Investigators trying to reassemble the sequence of events that led to the grisly slayings believe that Mr. Met showed up at Citi Field at his usual time and promptly began throwing baseballs at spectator's heads. When a security guard confronted him Mr. grabbed a 31 oz. maple bat and began bashing in the brains of fans and vendors.

 The game was delayed by the senseless brutality, and Mr's bullet-riddled body had to be air-lifted off the field by a medi-chopper. He is survived by his wife, two plush toys, a bobblehead and a keychain. The team is asking fans to remember Mr. Met in his better days, when he wasn't cracking your children's skulls with a Louisville Slugger. I think Mr. Met would have liked it that way...

Mr. Met

1962-2011

"His head was a baseball for some reason"

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